I just found some strange things on my computer I don’t remember writing. Like this, from August 2005:
the other night i dreamt that maybe all of what was happening in the dream wasn’t happening. like all those terrible things never really took place. and my fear and terror was enough to shake me awake, then i knew it all wasn’t happening at all, that it was really just the middle of the flagstaff night. but by morning i had forgotten it all and by afternoon only remembered waking up wishing none of it was true but still now don’t recall what it was that was so awful in the first place. and my struggles lately have been genuine but they haven’t truly, been struggles. a couple of weeks ago i drove up into the hills after the afternoon showers and traced my path up to this ridge i remembered climbing long ago, stood watching the late afternoon light and the clouds and the mountain and the showers in the distant. i took a crooked side trail and wandered off into the woods climbing up and down, till i found a trail on the other side that took me down and around to this tiny pond full in this grassy valley that i spent a night in last summer. and immediately i started to wince slightly from more memories i had from more things that had happened long ago, last fall, when the leaves were falling and the fear and terror of falling out of control grabbed and shook me once again. a tidy afternoon, too long out of the hills, i climbed back in my truck and knew there was more work to do. deep deep in the other night i walked down this back alley as one of the few ever dews fell on the elm trees and weeds, a dog barked softly through a window and i murmured to my companions that it felt like a murder ballad, all still and ominous and dark and moist all at once, i so exhausted that i could have been floating along. then the doq crouched down and peed and i knew i had to get home.